General Rules of the Shaw Bros. Universe

[Centorpedo]

Inspired by Tangowind's "ridiculous moments" thread, and as a way for us to convalesce from the difficult psychological questions posed by the "what's up with Shawscopedotcom thread," I thought it'd be fun if we set up a brainstorm session to come up with a list of "rules and general laws of the Shaw universe." This applies to the behavior of characters, laws of physics, and general things that we take for granted will happen in Shaw movies.

Rules such as:
1.) "women who disguise themselves as men will immediately be mistaken for men, no matter how much they still resemble women"
2.) "jumping will always be of a backwards and up nature."
3.) "Death by abdominal stabbing in fringe characters occurs in three distinct phases: character clutches pierced abdomen, character makes constipated face, character flops at apex of overacting parabola."

etc.

I'm wondering if with a little effort we might be able to reach a hundred rules. Your incentive? Well, if we do a really good job, this post might be featured on Shawscope.com one day. And that site gets, like, a gajillion hits, and lots of funding, and the guy that runs it pays you if he uses your writing. :p

[Delightful Forest]

Having sustained multiple grevious bodily wounds the wuxia hero dies with eyes wide open and standing majestically upright while still holding weapon in a raised arm after annihilating or holding off an army of formidable foes.

[italdesign]

1.) "women who disguise themselves as men will immediately be mistaken for men, no matter how much they still resemble women"

this one is definitely not unique to Shaw movies. I wish I could count how many times I've seen Polly Kuan show up as a guy.

[Delightful Forest]

The older the wuxia hero, the higher the skill level. Beware of grannies and grandpas!

[KyFi]

1. Being hit by two or three arrows is really only a minor annoyance---the hero to be hit simultaneously by about 25 arrows to really be taken out.

2. The normal, run of the mill, blue-uniformed Qing soldier generally has fighting skills comparable to most 12 year-old girls.

3. Unless you actually spit up blood, you're not seriously hurt.

4. No matter how severely you're wounded in the stomach, taking off your shirt and tying it around the wound should easily allow you to keep fighting and kill another 30-45 villains before you die.

5. And, this has been posted before by someone else, but I'll mention it again because I do think it's the most important rule in the Shaw universe: never trust Wang Lung Wei!

[Markgway]

I wish I could count how many times I've seen Polly Kuan show up as a guy.

Tell me about it. I thought I was gay for years until I realised he was a she!! :p

[razorclam]

When Jimmy Wang Yu is crippled it increases his chances for survival.

[kenichiku]

1. Palace servants and guards get to spend the whole day for no reason lined up standing in cadence like furniture.

2. Martial artists never skip a beat after losing a limb as they have extraordinary fast blood clotting abilities.

3. Indoor studio oceans, rivers lakes, and ponds are never over two feet deep standing water as witnessed everytime a disposable lackey is tossed in.

4. Unsecured studio set astro-turf loose at the seams.

5. A tree branch or twig is just as deadly and sharp as cold steel.

6. Every emperor/empress' subordinate is cast as a scheming weasel.

7. Ancient wuxia liquor and spirits always look like plain water.

8. Prominent actors killed off in one film are casually recycled in back to back film sequels.

9. Prominent stunt actors killed off in one scene are casually recycled in other scenes.

10. Except for ladies cast in Li Han Hsiang films, I can't imagine any (sober) john wanting to pay for some of those lesser brothel stock 'beauties' shown in KF films :b .

[kungfusamurai]

this one is definitely not unique to Shaw movies. I wish I could count how many times I've seen Polly Kuan show up as a guy.

Heck, I think the only roles Brigitte Lin gets is playing a guy. :)

KFS

[VonHumboldtFleischer]

At the teahouse, don't order anything too heavy. You will be ambushed. They might do it early, over tea, or leap out only when you've got your rice and dumplings, and they may well even lurk around undetected (except not, because you knew they were there all along) until you're picking your teeth, but they will come.

Also, you will probably have to pay for the damage done to the teahouse with one of the bags of taels you seem able to pull out of nowhere.

[Centorpedo]

23.) Clouds do not move.
24.) The sky is peeling.

Especially in Cat Vs Rat, in the final fight scene. The sky is so close you can touch it, and if you are gonna touch it maybe you can remove whatever is causing it to bulge.

[blktauna]

Don't F**k with the blind man...

[Markgway]

Especially in Cat Vs Rat, in the final fight scene. The sky is so close you can touch it, and if you are gonna touch it maybe you can remove whatever is causing it to bulge.

I agree. I didn't like the film, but if I did, that poor production design would've marred it considerably. At one point you could actually see the corners of the ceiling!! :eek

[Delightful Forest]

Be extremely cautious when in the company of scantily dressed seductive beautiful women ... they have a nasty habit with knives enroute to bedding a hero. Few heroes survive an encounter with a vixen.

[Markgway]

- A relative of the hero must die (preferably a dotting parent)

- Beggars are always drunks and Kung Fu masters (but if they're that good why not teach and stop being a bum?)

- Little boys who think they know kung fu are annoying as f**k and always end up crying when the bad guy shows his mug.

- Even when faced with a hundred henchman, don't worry, you'll still win if you're top-billed. But may die if your director is a fatalist like Chang Cheh.

-In a Wu Xia at some point someone will say *"Lung Fu Hua is... Lung Fu Hua" (*names can be changed to suit character) just to remind the actor who he's playing.

- Doesn't matter how many times you visit a brothel, you'll never catch an STD (and the hooker the hero gets is always the best looking).

-Dean Shek will pop up just to prove he's the most irritating c**t on the planet.

[godzillakungfu]

If you are a good guy and pierced through and through you can continue fighting. Immedeatly fight the lackeys because they die by being scratched.

All little boy heroes look 25+.

No matter how many years the bad guy trained in a short amount of time you can defeat him.

Double bladed swords can be stopped with two fingers.

Most bald guys will stop and rub their head at some point before they fight.

[ShaofuSage]

When the hero is fighting against a random bad guy and is being surrounded by many lesser skilled bad guys, those kung fu weaklings must constantly change poses and shadowbox instead of being in a stationary position. Occassionally, their background silliness may even take away from the main kung fu encounter.

[Centorpedo]

40.) enemies attacking hero shall run into frame with only their backs exposed, so that when hero slashes at them, they can turn and display their chests, where wounds that are already in a progressive state of hemorrhaging should be proudly displayed.

41.) If you are an animal in a Shaw movie which is named after your species, chances are you will not survive to make it to the wrap party (i.e. Killer Snakes & Mad Monkey Kung Fu).

42.) Once your adventure has come to an end, someone will say something mildly amusing, make a funny face, or do some sort of funny business which will cause you and whoever has survived the adventure to leap into the air. Once you are in the air, there will be a freeze frame.

[mpm74]

When Jimmy Wang Yu is crippled it increases his chances for survival.

LMAO!

Another rule:

Five O' Clock Shadow beards stay and look the same even days after...

:D

[Centorpedo]

How could I forget...

44.) If someone throws a flying guillotine your way, chances are they're aiming at where you're about to run to. Once you get there, you're dead.

45.) Should you decide not to run to wherever it is that that someone who threw the flying guillotine was aiming, chances are that that someone knew that that's what you were going to do, and instead was aiming right where you are standing. So you're still dead.

46.) However, if you are Chen Kuan Tai or Ti Lung, none of the above applies to you. You, unlike all others, cannot be harmed by flying guillotines. Because you have mastered the art of ducking.

47.) If you are anyone besides Chen Kuan Tai or Ti Lung, once you're head is ripped from your body, feel free to twitch a bit before you die, just to add to the dramatic effect, so that the nice people watching get the gist... you're seriously dead.

48.) There might even be one final "point-of-view shot" to accompany your death, in which your arms will flail about wildly: This phantom p.o.v. shot, which makes no sense if you really take a moment to consider it, is perfectly normal. True, your head is no longer on your body, which means there's nothing to view this p.o.v. shot with... but don't panic. It's a metaphorical sort of p.o.v. shot.

[Delightful Forest]

The wuxia hero's best friend is also his most dangerous and formidable enemy. Trust no one! What a world!!!

[Tangowind]

Inspired by Tangowind's "ridiculous moments" thread
Thanks for giving me some sort of credit, Centorpedo :) This thread is awesome, though I must watch a few more Shaw movies to come up with based-on-my-observation rules. And I vaguely remember to have read a similar English joke sometime ago, also about so-called general rules in old-school kungfu's :)

OK, does this one count as a rule?
There must be some heavy fog effect in every Chor Yuen's wuxia/swordplay film...

[Delightful Forest]

When a lone mystery stranger walks into an inn full of tough looking, heavily armed, rowdy, and unruly men indulging in wine, women, and song, you could hear a pin drop when the stranger heads for an empty table, sits down, places sword on table, and removes hat/sun shade.

[bubbabgone]

If you have the misfortune to have a sword blade broken off in your body you can line up the shot and smack the broken sword blade so hard you'll have a through-and-through injury on you but the villain will get hit and die in seconds.
Chopsticks are like steel projectiles in the hands of the right person.

[Violento]

- when there's some rivalry/war in the martial world, don't drink anything - it's almost always poison.

[KyFi]

When you are ambushed in the tea house by hatchet-wielding thugs, and one of them hits you in the abdomen with the hatchet, said hatchet will stay firmly planted there no matter how vigorously you're fighting and moving after that. The upside of this, however, is that you'll have easy access to that hatchet to use it against your opponents (preferably the boss) a bit later on.

[italdesign]

any supernatural element in Chu Yuan's wuxia films may get you for a minute (e.g. people being shrinked into puppet size), but they always have a plausible nonsupernatural explanation

[mclaowai]

Movies must end with a freeze frame of either the hero or villian in mid-Hong Kong roll-out.:rollin


Trailers must be perfect 5 min abridged versions of the story, incuding the final finishing blow!:(

[Delightful Forest]

When the wuxia hero drinks wine, he/she drinks it by the jar. The hero downs the entire contents of the jar with the wine running down OUTSIDE of both sides of jaw, down the neck, and down the front torso, completely drenching the clothes.

[Barsader]

No matter how large the group of people fighting,and regardless of their skill,all it takes is one person to yell
"hold it!" and then everybody will stop fighting and listen very intently to the person who yelled.

when a hero wants revenge and practises for for a few years.
said hero is then skilled enough to take on end boss.But the end boss never seems to get better.hat was the boss doing for the last few years?obviously not practising his Kung fu.

[Centorpedo]

59.) When he needs to lay low for a while, and maybe get over a poisoning and/or massive near-fatal wound, there are thousands of empty houses all across China for our hero to choose from.

60.) Empty houses must be entered without knocking. If hero should decide to knock upon door before entering, then the house will no longer be vacant, but rather occuppied, by either a.) a gorgeous, single and/or widowed ex-prostitute or b.) another, prior hero, himself laying low for a while.

61.) If there is a prior hero laying low in the house, he will not be one of our arriving hero's enemies: that would be too easy, and could mess up the complicated nature of wuxia. Instead, arriving hero and prior hero will belong to the same clan, and our arriving hero will take the prior hero as his master.

62.) Later, at that moment in wuxia films when things get really confusing, it will be revealed that the two heroes were indeed mortal enemies all along. Wang Lung Wei will somehow be involved in this turn of events, as per KyFi's earlier rule.

[italdesign]

No matter how large the group of people fighting,and regardless of their skill,all it takes is one person to yell
"hold it!" and then everybody will stop fighting and listen very intently to the person who yelled.

Good one!

[Markgway]

This is the funniest thread in ages. It's actually reminding me why I enjoy these movies so much.

[kenichiku]

No way! You guys are still at this! Okay, let's fuel the fire with 10 more:

63. Nightfall is always viewed from the same cloudy sky through the same leafless deciduous tree to the same full paper moon.

64. Blood drooling from the mouth usually indicates a debilitating injury, at the least fleeing to recuperate on a hiatus from KF and at most fatal so f**k it, fight on and go out in a blaze of glory.

65. Loose clay roof-tiles are always the ‘windows to the world’ without being noticed from below.

66. A punctured paper window screens are the ‘keyholes to the world’ without being noticed from the inside.

67. Solving everyday difficulties at the dinner table always accentuate and foreshadow the greater successes of rigorous Kung Fu training sequences.

68. Heroic rigor mortis deaths are the way to go while leaving a lasting impression on your foes.

69. Cheng Kang Yeh is every hero’s comic relief twerp sidekick .

70. Li Kun is every Cheng Pei Pei heroine’s comic relief twerp sidekick .

71. In wuxia films, Fang Mei Sheng & Hsia Ping are always paired up together as the same married couple.

72. When Feng Ko An, Chiang Tao and/or Wang Lung Wei show up in your town, you know they’re not out collecting for the Red Cross :evil .

Man with this crowd, we’ll reach 100 in no time.

[spel]

[Tangowind]

OK, how about this?

73) Martial art heroes seem to never change their favorite/trademark costumes. They wear the same thing from the beginning till the end of the movie :)

74) Unlike martial art heroes, in every contemporary drama/musical/action featuring Lily Ho, there must be one costume change for the lady for every next scene :)

75) This might also apply outside the Shaw Universe but none of martial art heroes actually have any proper job. Where the f*** do they get money all the time? :rolleyes

76) Martial art heroes often travel with very long distances carrying nothing with them but their weapons :rolleyes

Ignore the last 2 if you think these rules also exist outside the Shaw world :)

[Delightful Forest]

Barsader's The Yell "hold it!" Rule is tops! It captures the general rather than the mere particular. With that Barsader has revealed a general truism, a Law (and not a mere rule) in the Shaw Universe, so to speak! It applies across all action genre! italdesign is spot on in praising this one.

[sevenhooks]

No matter how large the group of people fighting,and regardless of their skill,all it takes is one person to yell
"hold it!" and then everybody will stop fighting and listen very intently to the person who yelled.



GAME OVER.

[Delightful Forest]

If you meet a lone damsel or two in the middle of nowhere, in the woods, in deserted houses or temples, or in some lonely places at night, beware for they are not what they seemed ... could be anything from vixens to fox spirits.

[ShaofuSage]

The only way that a hero can tell that a man is actually a woman in great disguise is by a revelation of the length of her hair or by accidentally touching her breast :D

[Delightful Forest]

Accidentally touching her breast wins hands down!

[Markgway]

Accidentally touching her breast wins hands down!

Yeah, I use that one alll the time... ;)

[ShaofuSage]

Martial arts lessons at the Shaolin Temple guarantee victory, irrelevant of the time spent there by the hero.

The death of one's master will always be successfully avenged!

[Delightful Forest]

Markgway. you are a True Hero, a True Master ... please instruct us in your delightful ways! Inspired by your post, here is one distinction between the Wuxia Hero and the True Hero:
Wuxia Hero ACCIDENTALLY trips over, face landing on breasts, while True Hero DELIBERATELY trips over, face landing on breasts.

[Delightful Forest]

To become a disciple of Shaolin temple you need to fulfill one necessary condition and one sufficient condition outside the gates of the temple.
Necessary condition: Kneel with the rest of the applicants.
Sufficient condition: Out kneel the rest of the applicants.
Given that the entrance examination's emphasis is on brawn rather than brain it is no wonder that most of the Shaolin disciples beat an early path to Hades!

[Barsader]

GAME OVER.??????????????????

[ShaofuSage]

#? - Heroes are superb students of the martial arts and never fail in learning any skill that is shown to them by their respective masters.

[Delightful Forest]

Snow storms in 40 degrees centigrade heat is not unusual! Cladded in heavy winter attire, the hero's greatest adversary is not the villians he is fighting but the heat!

[Markgway]

--Females can be as horrible, bitchy and treacherous as they like and the hero will eventually forgive them... but if a male looks at him the wrong way then it's swords at dawn.

--If you are a bearded villain you must laugh after every threat or warning of death. (Eg. "So... you think you can kill me Chang Chiu Pang...? Then you must die!! Bwahahahaahah!!!")

--Even if for 90 mins a villain's sword is undefeatable - the super silver dragons sword etc - the hero will always find a makeshift weapon to combat it. Look here's some brass rings I found lying about.

--Anyone who commits suicide by stabbing themselves in the guts will always succeed very quickly. Never will they be in so much pain that they cannot finish the job and require the help of a decapitator.

--Women can either fight like the devil (and are quite capable of running thru 20 or 30 henchmen) or are useless in the extreme ("Arrggh, I tripped over a branch. Save me!!")

[ShaofuSage]

The only reason that a woman has for getting naked is to entice the hero with her sexuality, usually in hopes of killing him or turning him evil. Otherwise, there would not be any need for nudity in the martial world.


Shaw heroes have an unbelievable capacity for resisting nude women.

[KyFi]

If you're a low-ranking soldier or bandit, you sure as heck better be in good shape, because while the two or three officers/bosses are galloping on horseback the five miles to the battle, you're going to be running behind them, having to keep up on foot.

[Tangowind]

Delightful Forest:
Wuxia Hero ACCIDENTALLY trips over, face landing on breasts, while True Hero DELIBERATELY trips over, face landing on breasts.

Oh yeah? Show me some examples :)

By my count, I think we have reached the 89th rule already (providing no one will oppose to the previous posts :) )

[Centorpedo]

I have Shaofusage's Shaolin Temple rule(s), at the top of this thread's page #3, as being rules #79 and #80, so by my count we're at 90:

90.) All heroes are born with an innate ability to sense when a dice game is "loaded," or fixed in the house's favor.

91.) All dice games are loaded.

92.) There is no game in China besides the ubiquitous LITTLE/BIG. And though statistics might say otherwise, there is a way for everyone who plays this game to lose to the house at once.

Only 8 more rules to reach the century mark. Don't panic. No need to force anything. Let Shaw be your guide. It'll whisper the way in your ear.

[ShaofuSage]

When a friend/family member/lover of the hero is fatally wounded/killed, and the hero happens to get to their body quickly enough to hold the barely living individual in his arms, it is a necessity for the dying to shed upon the hero a few final words before passing on, which is usually followed by the hero screaming, crying, and then getting that real sick/diobolical look about his face.

[Delightful Forest]

The hero's stamina is lengendary ... no matter how furious and long the fighting has been going on there is always a reserve of energy.

[BleuVenom]

1. To be considered the ultimate villian in the martial arts world, one must have white hair, white brows, with or without a beard.

2. There are two things a young man needs in order to convince a beggar master to take him on as his student:
a. A huge jar of wine.
b. A whole roasted chicken.

3. In midfight, each fighter may take turns announcing what technique or animal skill they will be using.

4. When multiple heroes are in separate fights, they may take a rest and watch the others fight until it's their turn back in front of the camera.

5. A great hero is able to jump high into the air and flip, rotating no less than four times before landing in front of his fleeing enemy -- no matter how far in the distance he ran.

[Delightful Forest]

The wuxia hero and main villian leap into the air one last time and a fury of exchanges ocurr in mid air. Both land on their feet, swords raised, with their backs facing the audience. The victor? The audience's bums now on the edge of seats wait. The main villian falls and dies facing a relieved audience ... sliced diagonally across and down from one side of the face to the other side of torso. The hero then turns around slowly and deliberately, reveals a fatal bodily wound, drops sword, collapses on ground, manages a few words with love interest, manages a final smile, dies with eyes wide open, face against love interest's breasts.

[Centorpedo]

Well, we made it to a hundred rules, and I think in pretty good time, too. And in lieu of
Wuxia Hero ACCIDENTALLY trips over, face landing on breasts, while True Hero DELIBERATELY trips over, face landing on breasts.
and
manages a few words with love interest, manages a final smile, dies with eyes wide open, face against love interest's breasts.
I think this thread is headed in a pretty good direction...
Let me get in on the act:

101.) Whenever there shall appear actress's bared breasts on screen, there shall almost never appear actress's face in conjunction with said breasts (and vice versa).

102.) Breasts appearing representative of an actress shall never believably belong to that actress. In fact, audience should be able to clearly spot evidence to suggest these breasts to belong to one of the Shaw Bros.' "background furniture" girls, rather than to the starlets.

103.) In the instances when a "background furniture" girl (who has just appeared bare-breasted) is given lines to read, she will only play a prostitute or someone about to be killed, and she will turn out to be a horrible actress. In fact, the whole passage will appear visibly awkward to all involved on-screen. And you will never see said actress again in any other movie, and her parents will disown her in real life, and she will have to leave Shaw Brothers to become a stripper (I... uh... don't have any evidence to support this... it's just a gut... feeling).

(There are exceptions to rules 101-103: see Chen Ping)

And for the ladies:

104.) Shaw studs shall expose nipples-sometimes-but never ever allow their navels to be seen. Pants waists should always come up to about mid six-pack, to ensure belly button is firmly out-of-sight.

[Delightful Forest]

Each time the unsuspecting hero accidentally touches the breasts of a female in male disguise, the hero inevitably gets slapped! Hmmm ... given the quality of the breasts in the Shaw Universe, they are surely worth a slap or two!!

[ShaofuSage]

It's funny cause sometimes the accidental feeling of the breast occurs in the middle of a physical confrontation, at which point the slap ends any further conflict due to the great shock of the hero that he was actually fighting a woman :rollin

[Centorpedo]

106.) Generally, if a (non-villainous) couple is about to lock lips, there shall always be an interruption, usually by an elderly character who brings news of a trivial matter, or by an oblivious employee of the household.

107.) After said interruption, the always-patient couple will look at each other and smile, demurely, as if to say "we should rip that servant's head off, but we're much too chivalrous and heroic."

108.) No matter how many times this happens, the servant in question shall never be fired. In fact, such continued hormonal sabotage is supposed to endear us to the servant, who usually happens to serve as comic relief, as well.

109.) Comic relief and hormonal sabotage is never endearing.
Think about it. You've just fought a thousand Tartars or Qing soldiers, you're with your lady, she's gorgeous, you haven't touched for the past 10 years 'cos you've been training in a cave, learning some esoteric animal martial arts style... and then some cross-eyed guy bursts in to tell you there's a letter from a rebel from Northern Shaolin? "Hey. Leave it on the desk outside, and give me thirty effin' minutes, here, Shek!!!!"

110.) Villainous couples (almost) never have their "romantic interludes" interrupted by annoying servants. That's why they're always so cool, calm, and collected. And that's why they're always laughing. And that's probably also why they always lose all those climactic battles... you know, that old "sapped-strength" rule. Still, it's a fair trade-off, IMO.

[Tangowind]

I love your sense of humour, guys! Gotta use some of these rules, if not all, in my next movie reviews :)

[Markgway]

"Hey. Leave it on the desk outside, and give me thirty effin' minutes, here, Shek!!!!"

Genius!! :rollin

[Delightful Forest]

Centorpedo's Number 110: 'Villainous couple (almost) never have their "romantic interludes" interrupted by annoying servants.'
Mate, this is spot on! WHY??? Because if the villainous couple were interrupted while "at it" the culprit would surely be swimming in the thickest pile of @#%$ imaginable! You can bet your bottom dollar that the villains would not be looking at each other and smiling demurely ... they would be ripping the culprit's head off while screaming "We are neither chivalrous nor heroic! We are VILLAINS!".

[Centorpedo]

Amen, DF, truly the Shaw villian is the human id unencumbered by propriety. And yet have you noticed that while some villains are swimming in it, some villains never get any action? When's the last time Wang Lung Wei had a betty in his clutches?

[Delightful Forest]

Centorpedo, your statement "the Shaw villain is the human id unencumbered by propriety" is a truism about Shaw's villains ... where else but in the Shaw Universe!
Now, about Wang Lung Wei. Yes, the guy has been seriously deprived! The deprivation of betties makes Wang one angry villain ... resulting in brilliant villainous performances. With brutal each punch or kick you could almost hear him screaming "Come on Chang Cheh, and you too Liu Chia Liang, give me a break man! Where is my Betty? Just look at all the heroes ... all their accidental encounters with delightful breasts! I want some too. Okay, okay, I am not a hero, I am a villain ... but just look at those villains ... why is it that they get to help themselves to huge servings of breasts amidst the wine and song? What about me, man? What about me?".

[Markgway]

Just think: maybe if poor Wang's namesake actually saw some muff he wouldn't feel the need to betray everyone??? ;)

[Violento]

@Delightful Forest: LOL!!! :rollin

[kenichiku]

When's the last time Wang Lung Wei had a betty in his clutches?Well the last time may have been the first time Johnny Boy (along with Beardy) were both introduced to audiences in Chang's 'Shaolin Martial Arts'.

The usual suspects Chiang Tao & Feng Ko An as Manchu luietenants of course, were entertaining the two Wu-Tang prodigies in a brothel. The maidens that were taken into their respective bedrooms were freaked out by each of their 'Kung Fu' mackin' techniques, the kind that enables them to contract & retract their privates at will (the kind taught by the Pai Mei school), so I'd say Johnnie did get some play.

[Centorpedo]

Thanks for the info, Kenichiku. I'll look forward to seeing Shaolin Martial Arts when it's released, and I'll raise a toast to Johnny when the moment... arrives.

Also, you're comment:
their 'Kung Fu' mackin' techniques, the kind that enables them to contract & retract their privates at will (the kind taught by the Pai Mei school)

brings us to our next rules:

111.) To learn the retractable privates technique is to reach the absolute zenith of the kung fu world. You better be scared of these guys. There's only a handful of them. Actually, I guess it'd be more accurate to say that there isn't a handful of them. :rollin

112.) Only villains master the retractable privates rule. Heroes keep them out of sight, out of mind (where they're supposed to be!).

113.) How and where the privates get to wherever it is they go when retracted is a scientific mystery best left to somebody else's imagination. Destroy the mental picture whenever it arises. I'm serious: it'll only drive you crazy.

114.) Villains with retractable privates will eventually be killed with a vicious blow to said retractable privates. This is one of the greatest ironies in the Shaw universe.

[Delightful Forest]

Notably the most formidable villains are of two types: The type with retractable johnnies and the type with missing johnnies.
The latter type, the so called Eunuch is possessed of great military power and martial prowess, and is by far the more dangerous and superior villain. WHY??? Because they are the most angry and frustrated of them villains ... no johnnies definitely no betties!

[2tintoe]

I'm sure someone else must of wrote this, but I didn't catch it:

-If you have a beard, show that sucker off! Stroke it while thinking, laughing, fighting, doing algebraic equations, tying your shoes: Let all of the men deprived of facial hair in the martial world know it- you have a beard, and you are better than they are.

-You can not really call yourself a master villain unless you have an extremely weaselly or effeminate henchman.

-If you are trying to keep your villainy on the DL, have your aforementioned weaselly henchman sing your virtues to the heroes of the film. Despite how ridiculously over the top sleazy and conniving the weasel may be, he will know just what to say to dupe your heroes in to thinking that you're a stand up guy.

-If you are a villain, and you have a daughter- KILL HER ASAP. She will somehow lead to your downfall.

[bubbabgone]

Not one for the list, but a curiosity nonetheless.
Since we're on the subject of gender determination via accidental breast detection, how come no one has ever recoiled in confusion after accidentally touching Sammo's man-boobs? There are fat women in Kung Fu movies after all.

[KyFi]

"-If you have a beard, show that sucker off! Stroke it while thinking, laughing, fighting, doing algebraic equations, tying your shoes: Let all of the men deprived of facial hair in the martial world know it- you have a beard, and you are better than they are.

-You can not really call yourself a master villain unless you have an extremely weaselly or effeminate henchman."

Awesome!! :)

Oh, and Delightful Forest, I also give high marks to your "wine drinking rule"---yep, no need to bother with the cup, just go straight to the giant ceramic jar and pour it over your face. :)

[kenichiku]

how come no one has ever recoiled in confusion after accidentally touching Sammo's man-boobs? Yeah, that's really a Close Encounter of the Spooky Kid! Sammo's definitely the 'Meat Loaf' of Kung Fu movies.

[Delightful Forest]

KyFi mate, thanks for the encouragement, and Violento, great to see that you enjoyed the take on Wang Lung Wei. 2tintoe's take on the villlain's daughter is spot on. In reply, I add "If you are a villain and you have a son, be prepared to avenge him ... somehow the villain's son always die before the villain does". And kenichiku, besides your indubitably vast knowledge of matters pertaining to Shaw you also have a great sense of humour ... your take on Sammo is delightful. With that, let's move on to address bubbabgone's curiosity ... hmm ... that's a tough one. Let's try this out ... Markgway's absolutely right ... "give Wang's namesake some muff & he wouldn't feel the need to betray everyone". But it's got to be the right kind of muff! Want to see Wang Lung Wei really angry mad? Give Wang an accidental encounter with Sammo's pumpkins and we'll see just how truly great a villain Wang is. So far no director has the balls to pull this one off yet!

[Markgway]

Sammo's Pumpkins???

:rollin Bwahahahaha!!!

[Centorpedo]

The Shaw equivalent to the Shakespearean aside:

121.) Furtive glances can be cast sideways, downwards, and/or upwards.

122.) Furtive glances are cast by either a.) villains in the midst of a diabolical double-cross, or b.) heroes and/or villains signalling to the audience that they are aware of an impending diabolical double-cross, or c.) heroes and villains signalling to the audience that they have not forgotten about secret weapons hidden in the vicinity towards which they are glancing, or d.) proud wu xia women letting their tough-as-nails exteriors slip under a heroes romantic gaze.

123.) Most importantly, furtive glances are never detected in the Shaw Bros. Universe, even if the heroes and villains have already established eye-contact or are looking at each other whilst said furtive glance is cast.

[Delightful Forest]

Markgway, pleased to see that you enjoyed the take on Sammo!
On glances ... before fists and kicks engage in physical combat, the battle is first fought with vicious steely glances.

[Delightful Forest]

In Shaw's wuxia/kung fu universe F=ma does not apply.

[ironfistedmonk2003]

I've noticed that a single candle when lit can light up a whole building.

[Markgway]

Heroes instinctively know the worth of their opponent - be it a disposible henchman or a tough boss figure - and how much energy + skill x stamina it will require to defeat them without breaking a sweat. Villains don't. That's why they underestimate their foe and lose royally. This is especially true of cocky underlings who have no idea the stranger in the white suit they've challenged is the star of the movie.

[Linn1]

no one seems to ever realize that a guy wearing white is death incarnate!! If this is all taking place in one universe, you'd think someone would tell the henchmen of the world!

[Violento]

@ bubbabgone & Delightful Forest:

Listen, if You 2 are so excited about Sammo's... well... *pumpkins*, I strongly encourage You to watch "Millionaire's Express". You will surely get what You want.

[KidwiththeGoldenArm]

Villains always have cooler uni's.

Lo Meng dies good, never get attached to his character, no matter how invincible he will seem at times.

When fighting Pai Mai, much time can be saved by punching him in the hair.

Don't worry about Gordon Liu or Alexander Fu Sheng, they will master what they must and fix everything.

Ti Lung and to a similar degree, Philip Kwok should be listened to, they know what's really going on.

Try not to get attached to Chiang Chen, no matter the ease and panache he shows in his early fights.

You age by greying at the temples first.

If Chang Cheh offers you the chance to be a "Baby Venom" turn down the work, there's no future in it.

Wang Li is another who cannot be trusted under any circumstances.

[Violento]

Don't worry about Gordon Liu or Alexander Fu Sheng, they will master what they must and fix everything.
:rollin

[italdesign]

dunno if this has been mentioned, but people are always able to leap away mysteriously when they want, even if they are injured, and no matter how many kung fu experts want to chase after them, they can never catch them.

[Markgway]

If a hero gets run through with a sword he can still survive if tended to by a comely young maiden. If a henchman gets a simple slash it WILL kill him everytime.

[ShaofuSage]

If you are a bad guy, whatever you do, never be the first, second, third, 23 person to attack a fatally wounded hero cause he's taking a lot of people with him.

[italdesign]

Also, bad guys just don't have brain. They see hundreds of them already slaughtered by the hero, setting excellent examples of what happens if they choose the same path, but they don't learn the lesson. Instead they continue to attack enthusiastically, as if they have a chance!

[ShaofuSage]

Villians must truly believe that everyone is fated to suffer at the end/afterlife/etc. through this consistent statement that they often blurt out to the hero prior to engaging in deadly battle: "Now I'm gonna send you straight to hell, HeHeHe!!" Why would they think that the hero is going to hell too? Your goin to hell, you damn villian >:

[Delightful Forest]

Violento, thanks for recommending "Millionaire's Express". I have seen that some years back and I remember it to be a good movie ... time to revisit.
Wait a minute ... are you trying to set me and bubbabgone up with an encounter with Sammo's pumpkins? Are you trying to make villians to the power of villians out of us?? Let's get this clear ... I don't know about bubbabgone, but I am positively allergic to the following kinds of muffs for the following reasons:
pumpkins (particularly Sammo's!): shapelessly large and flabby
papaya: much too elongated
soursops: wrong flavour
durians: texture much too rough
coconuts: silicon implants do not feel right
Airport landing strip: way too flat
Now, this is what I do like:
B.B.Q dumplings or chicken dumplings with a delightful pink cherry on top. These have the right texture, flavour, and shape.
Well, Violento, if you are not looking forward to the prospects of tasting my Clan Of The White Lotus Fist (taught to me by the great Lo Lieh himself in a dream), you had better get down to the business of recommending me a pile of movies that feature lots of the muffs of my choice ... and, don't bother recommending Chinese restaurants for that is not what I mean!!!
@ bubbagone ... I hope you are not taking this sitting down ... that Violento deserves a serious ear bashing!!!

[bubbabgone]

I was gonna let it go. My observations about Sammo's pumpkins were strictly a product of my thoughtful analysis germaine to the subject of the thread.

In other words SAMMO'S PUMPKINS DO NOT APPEAL TO ME!

This thread has certainly taken an unexpected turn.

[Delightful Forest]

#? Entrance to the Shaw Universe is through the doors of a Shaw cinema.
#? When in the Shaw Universe, hold your bladder ... you don't want to miss out on anything.
#? When in the Shaw Universe, laughter, giggles, groans, strange noises, whispers, exclamations, and weeping sounds are all permitted ... loud talking is not!
Centorpedo ... MIA?

[Centorpedo]

Centorpedo ... MIA?

Delightful of you to voice concern over me, DF, but no need for alarm... just out on a wee break. Um... not literally a wee break... speaking of wee breaks, so what'd I miss?

Oh. OK. Here we go...

145.) In the Shaw Universe, Brave Archer is a combination of terms used NOT to describe courageous wielders of bows-n-arrows, (as you might be led to believe) but rather an endearingly goofy and overly mentored kung fu expert with seventeen sifus and a belly full of snakeblood. When you hear the words Brave Archer, you should really think Lucky Boxer.

146.) No one ever splits the check in the Shaw Universe. One boxer must pay for the entire meal. Sometimes the same guy gets stuck with the tab over and over. He never complains.

147.) Coinage must be either flicked to your server or into a vertical bamboo pipe. You do not need to aim. Your coins will automatically find the pipe's opening from whatever distance you throw them, a'la Larry Bird.

[KyFi]

At Shaolin Temple, actually practicing kung fu and sparring with opponents is one of the LEAST effective methods of learning kung fu. Although you CAN learn kung fu like that, you will become a much better fighter if you spend years doing other tasks instead: sweeping, cooking rice, stacking firewood, carrying buckets, etc.

[Delightful Forest]

# When the curtain goes up and the lights goes down, and when scantily dressed Shaw betties grace the silver screen, it is fine if that thing dangling between your legs rears its head (ditch your date if she's not impressed), but it is not fine if you rear your head for that will surely piss off the folk sitting right behind you!

# When the curtain goes up and the lights goes down, a whole lot of hanky panky goes on, paricularly in the back seats.

[Delightful Forest]

# When the hero is on the run with a baby strapped to his back, no matter how furious the fighting, the baby never wakes up!

[Tangowind]

# A teleport always comes with that strange and annoying sound, something you'd expect to hear from computer (fighting) games :)

[Centorpedo]

153.) David Chiang never ever finishes a cigarette. He does, however, break many cigarettes in half, normally after one (at the most) puffs. And yet, somehow, DC makes being a poser-smoker look effortlessly cool.

154.) David Chiang never ever even tries to find a trash can for his unsmoked cigarette butts, preferring to throw them down and to the left of him, with a sort of disgusted look on his face. And yet, somehow, DC makes being a litterbug look effortlessly cool.

155.) How does DC do it? How does DC look so cool? Why, effortlessly, of course... effortlessly.

[Delightful Forest]

#157. In a duel between hero and villian, it is mandatory that there is a verbal exchange just before the start of the duel, several brief exchanges during the duel, and a final brief exchange at the concluding moments of the duel. These verbal exchanges are insults and threats and they can sound quite hilarious to the onlooker. Some of these insults and threats include, "You traitor, I will send you to the depths of hades", "My crane style will gobble up your snake", "Which ol' turd" taught you?", "You call your wimpy ol' @#%$ cat stuff the tiger claw?", "When I'm finished with you your mother will not recognise you" ... Sometimes, they will even take time out to comment on and admire each other's style and techniques before piling on more insults and damage.

[KidwiththeGoldenArm]

Apparently there is a skill that can, when mastered, grant invulnerability, but most characters don't bother mastering it.

[Delightful Forest]

KidwtGA, an interesting and refreshing post. There are actually a number of such arts (in Shaw's Universe of course):
1. Bronze Skin and Iron Bones, said to have been mastered by Fang Shih Yu.
2. Iron Cloth Kung Fu.
3. Golden Bell Kung Fu.
But why do most blocks don't bother mastering them? That is an interesting question. Well, to master Bronze Skin and Iron Bones, one has to be soaked in medicinal herbs that hurts like hell and then one must be brutally beaten daily. No thanks! Further, at the end of the treatment, one loses the ability to father children (presumably unable to have sex too!). The proponents of Iron Cloth Kung Fu and Golden Bell Kung Fu must observe complete abstinence from semen depleting activities. As such they must stay away from betties, betties' hands, and their own hands! A tall order for most hot blooded blocks!

[Violento]

Just like in "Star Wars", in the Shaw universe there are 2 immortal lines that are repeated over and over. In SW it's: "May the Force be with You" and "I have a bad feeling about this".
In the Shaw universe it's: "But still..." and "You bastard!".

[Violento]

to master Bronze Skin and Iron Bones, one has to be soaked in medicinal herbs that hurts like hell and then one must be brutally beaten daily. No thanks! Further, at the end of the treatment, one loses the ability to father children (presumably unable to have sex too!).
No, not quite. Remember what Fong Sai-Yuk's mother was saying in "Shaolin Avengers". If You want to master the Iron/bronze/steel bones/skin/shirt/body (whatever!), You have to be a virgin in the 1st place! And You to stay that way, which is quite a price. I think that's why Pai Mei is such a mean guy.

[Delightful Forest]

@ Violento ... mate, your "I think that's why Pai Mei is such a mean guy" gave me serious stomach cramps!:rollin

[Iron Boat]

Also, in the shaw universe you have to be very good at math. If two good guys die, two bad guys must die to balance it out....this is mostly seen in 5 Shaolin Masters and definitly in the New One Armed Swordsman. David Chaing looses 1 arm. Ti Lung is split in two, the bad guy looses one arm, but is struck down with three. He is thrown right were Ti Lung is buried. The Shaws is a mathematical universe.

[Iron Boat]

The purpose of going into a Tea house is to either be in a fight or see a fight...Also there will always be a weasily gossiper at the tea house telling everybodys business. If you where a cape and big rimmed hat, that makes you twice as deadly as you would be in plain clothing. Most important rule....The Ladies love Wandering Swordmen...

[Tangowind]

# Gigantic plot holes in every single wuxia based on and adapted from a novel, written either by Gu Lung or Jin Yung (Louis Cha)...

# The one and only motivation of every single wuxia villain: Ruling the martial arts world...

[Ninja Sinai]

I laughed so hard that I fell off the roof of my house and cracked the fingers on my left hand. Amazingly this injury has instantly made me master a new fighting style.

Two rules from the Ninja:

- An annoying bastard son may turn up at sometime simply to annoy the f#@k out of everyone watching… an for some strange mysterious reason.. no one in the movie will find him annoying!

- Staying a virgin will give you super strength and ability to master a killer fighting style!

[ShaofuSage]

In the Shaw Universe there is no need for clothing stores because everyone is very happy with wearing the same outfit their entire life!

Also, I wonder how often these characters wash their respective clothing ensamble? And what are the exact directions for washing a shinny sliver chain-link vest?

[Markgway]

# Gigantic plot holes in every single wuxia based on and adapted from a novel, written either by Gu Lung or Jin Yung (Louis Cha)...

I'm guessing that this is not a fault of the original novels (which are often really long) but the screenwriter's attempts to condense the uncondesable into 100m without ditching any character of twist.

[BleuVenom]

Great one ShaofuSage!

I also get a kick out of the heroes (and top villians, better throw in some princes and generals) wearing fancy, shiny, colorful, elaborate, not to mention delicate threads around all day and get into a fight without so much as a tear in them at times.

Or just before a showdown and verbal exchange they take the time to remove their robe --only to the throw it onto the ground!

If a hero must go of to train somewhere far away and remote, it seems he only has to have one change of clothes in that bundle.

Princes etc, can fight exceptionally well inspite of the awkward and/or heavy-looking head dress/ crowns they have on their heads because no matter how vigorous they battle, it will not fall out....unless it's being removed by say, a sword.

[ToddTheRef]

Turning down sex from from a hot chick who is ready to go is in no way gay, it is in fact heroic .

Said hot chick always understands why she has been turned down, and reconizes that said hero is not gay, he is simply heroic.

Said hot chick never asks "Why don't you want to eff me?"

If a fight starts in a house, it MUST move to the courtyard before all is said and done. This is usually accomplished by kicking or punching one's opponent through a flimsy yet ornate carved wood "wall", and then stylishly jumping off a trampoline out after him. For bonus points, said jump will include a midair flip.

All blue-clad soldiers MUST be armed with a spear, must be reluctant to attack hero (as told by the hesitant/scared expression on soldier's face after watching hero slay several hundred similarly-dressed soldiers), and must be stupid enough not to suggest "hey, lets attack him ALL AT ONCE".

If hero needs to get to baddie about to kill hero's friend/ girlfriend/ or mentor, there will always be waves of lackeys to stop hero JUST long enough so hero arrives just in time to see the killing blow. Hero's eybrows will then raise in shock, only to be interupted by the last few lackeys attacking. Hero quickly finishes off these lackeys, and then hero is all alone to cradle the body and mourn the death of friend/girlfriend/ mentor.

[ShaofuSage]

To elaborate on BleuVenom's rule regarding a hero's bundle, a hero can live out of his bundle for countless years even though it usually only contains a pair of loose pants, a shirt, and a steamed bun, and possibly some of those cool loafers. A hero can also travel countless miles with only this bundle to keep him alive. Lastly, a hero's bundle never contains a toothbrush, hence the poor dental hygene of the majority of Shaw stars.

[Iron Boat]

Getting blinded, maimed, crippled, just makes you a better fighter.

[KidwiththeGoldenArm]

It makes you a POTENTIALLY better fighter if you can find a motivated master and complete the unorthadox training.

[Markgway]

Said hot chick never asks "Why don't you want to eff me?"

:lol

and must be stupid enough not to suggest "hey, lets attack him ALL AT ONCE".

It's true. They stand in line waiting for their turn. Must be a ticket allocation.

Lastly, a hero's bundle never contains a toothbrush, hence the poor dental hygene of the majority of Shaw stars.

That explains Chiang Sheng then... :b

[italdesign]

875. When hero is in trouble, there is always some object nearby that he/she can use to kill off the bad guy (example: sharp ice in Sentimental Swordsman). Amazingly, our hero never has to look around much to find it -- it seems to find the hero. More amazingly, even though the hero is obviously gazing at the object, the bad guy pays no attention.

876. When hero falls off cliff, he's either saved by a bird or gets caught on a tree. Either way, no chance of him being a goner.

877. In a Chu Yuan mystery, the ultimate evil guy is usually a nice guy on the surface.

[italdesign]

(unable to load pagetext)

[KidwiththeGoldenArm]

And everyone loves those buns.

[Iron Boat]

If you are not either very ugly or very handsome and charming, chances are your Kung Fu Skills are average at best. In the Shaw Brothers Universe, your Kung Fu Skills have a lot to do with how physically attractive or unattractive you are.

[Delightful Forest]

Wuxia heroes have balls of iron ... just so as to survive leaps off the roof and landing smack on their groins on their horses' saddles!

[Delightful Forest]

On the night before the wuxia hero's scheduled death duel, he'll either be spending the entire night with delightful betties or alone meditating. One would have thought that some rest is in order!

[Markgway]

he'll either be spending the entire night with delightful betties or alone meditating

Meditating? I've never heard it called that before? :p

[Delightful Forest]

Markgway, your post took a while but I got it ...:rollin
Here's the inspired amendment:
... he'll either be spending the entire night with delightful betties or alone masturbating.
Either way ... :D

[Violento]

<!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>he'll either be spending the entire night with delightful betties or alone me<hr></blockquote><!--EZCODE QUOTE END-->
Meditating? I've never heard it called that before?[/quote]
ROTFL!!! :rollin

[KidwiththeGoldenArm]

In Newton's Universe the % of proctectees that are tougher than their bodyguards is very small

In the Shaw Universe the % of protectees that are tougher than their bodyguards is 100.

[Centorpedo]

Sorry if I'm resurrecting a dead post, here, but watching
The Proud Youth has
got me to thinking...
Why do members of the myriad evil clans
which populate Shaw Wuxia Universe refer to their
own clans as evil clans as well? You'd think they'd be
inclined to have a different perspective on themselves than the other, so-called good clan, which, theoretically, they
would in fact refer to as the evil clan, and um... vice versa...?

[Markgway]

Why do members of the myriad evil clans which populate Shaw Wuxia Universe refer to their own clans as evil clans as well?

:lol

Hey, they're proud??

[Iron Boat]

Why does a clan leader always have an entire army of skilled to novice fighters, yet the leader always ends up having to the job himself anyway. He even has to eventually fight the two guys who shows up at his hideout after they make easy work of all his men.

[italdesign]

Sorry if I'm resurrecting a dead post, here, but watching
The Proud Youth has
got me to thinking...
Why do members of the myriad evil clans
which populate Shaw Wuxia Universe refer to their
own clans as evil clans as well? You'd think they'd be
inclined to have a different perspective on themselves than the other, so-called good clan, which, theoretically, they
would in fact refer to as the evil clan, and um... vice versa...?


Well, in Chinese it doesn't sound half as bad. The Evil Sect in most cases should be more accurately translated as Demonic Sect or Demon Sect. Often, the Demon sect is an unofficial name given to a powerful organization by other orthodox sects. For example, the Ming Sect in HEAVENLY SWORD DRAGON SABRE, who is trying to overthrow the Mongolian government, is labeled as Demon Sect by the 6 orthodox schools (Shaolin, Wutang, etc), and later a member of the Ming sect founded the Ming dynasty in China.

Also, it could just be bad subtitle translation.

[agentzuk]

3 that you missed:

any walk in the countryside will be accompanied by DAMN CHIRPING BIRDS!

off key flute music will signify any character falling in love and/or hooking up

if you see the shaolin temple in any scene, eventually it will be burnt

you had me at "HOLD IT!" zuk out

[SunChien2004]

Well I hope I don't mention something that was already mentioned, but here I go with a couple of my own:


-Every brothel has that same girl laughing in the background like she's watching BET Comic View (see Mad Monkey Kung Fu)


-Most, if not all Shaw Casinos have that same guy who seems to win in every movie, although never seen, always proclaiming "I won again!" (see Ten Tigers and Killer Army I think)

[Delightful Forest]

Centorpedo ... not a dead post but a lost one found very much alive!

# When in a Shaw universe brothel there is a high probability that you'll be rudely interrupted while in the midst of engaging with a steaming hot betty.

# The brothel's top betty is never what she seems.

[Delightful Forest]

The defeat of the seemingly invincible villian is usually accomplished in one of the following manner:
1. By trickery
2. Seduction by a betty
3. By an opponent/opponents combining two or more martial arts styles.

The villian supremo never dies a natural death.

[italdesign]

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but when there is a large army or group of tough guys coming for someone, he ought to be scared. I mean he should at least PRETEND to be scared. But no, in the shaw brothers world, the guy won't even look at the guys who've come to kill him. He just continues doing whatever he's doing. Now, obviously that's gonna even more convince the tough guys that they've got the right person.

Case in point: in the first scene of ODE TO GALLANTRY, a bunch of guys come to kill a disguised baker. Everyone on the street is scared sh*tless, except for this baker guy who just keeps baking despite a group of men with big ass weapon shows up on his door. What a f*cking obvious give-away, obviously he knows kung fu (which a real baker normally wouldn't). He just lookin for trouble. And of course, the baker is slaughtered fairly effortlessly.

[italdesign]

344) When our hero is escaping, and faints unconsciously, the camera will always blur out, but we can be sure he will be saved by someone.

345) Whenever a group of people greet a master, they automatically know what to say, and are never out of synch with each other.

346) Things that happen for a length of time usually favor either "3 days and 3 nights" or "7 x 7 = 49" days. It's never "3 days and 2 nights" or "7 x 8 = 56" days.

[Tangowind]

347) At night, the moon is ever-present, be it full or half in all of Chor Yuen's period films!

[italdesign]

When there is a group of one-on-one fights in parallel motion, the good side always follow a pattern. Either everyone on the good side is losing, or if one good guy kills a bad guy, every good guy will be on a roll to kill his opponent.

and here is a really big one: when a bunch of low level servants (e.g. nobodies) are ordered to attack our hero, even if they have just witnessed our hero easily defeating their colleagues, they will not hesitate to attack, even though it's obvious that they have zero chance of winning.

[Delightful Forest]

In the wuxia world the most frequently chopped up insect is the fly. A respectable wuxia swordsligher should be able to slice a fly into no less than four portions with a quick draw and reshealthing of the sword.

[peringaten]

Apologies if i've accidentally duplicated any...

351. If you're our hero and sent to prison you will invariably end up in the last cell, alone with a massively disheveled madman (all the other cells are rammed) who will proceed to beat you and deny you any dinner before deciding he likes your chutzpah and a. passes you on a secret technique or object or b. swears brotherhood.

352. Every single cave (usually accidentally fallen into) in the martial world contains either a crazed, thought-to-be-dead, meditating master 8 years-odd into a 10 year skill meditation...; or a thought-to-be lost martial technique's scrawlings on the wall - it's a wonder our heroes don't go caving regularly on the off-chance...

353. The only time our hero won't throw his drink recklessly all over his face and down his front is when unwittingly drinking poison, in which case he will drink politely.

354. Poison seemingly doesn't chemically react with porcelain cups - however if said poisoned cup is knocked from the hand it will bubble and burn against anything it touches akin to the most caustic acid.

355. All secret manuals invariably contain the really tasty techniques written on a piece of paper tucked into a sealed cover on the back page.

356. One master can never own both parts of a two part manual.

357. All twins WILL be split at birth, their parents slain, and raised as enemies.

358. If a technique seen developed in training is used to kill an enemy in the finale, it is LAW a flashback to said training technique will be shown - preferably in black and white.

359. Any excuse to take a shirt off.

360. Any excuse for matching outfits - go team!

361. No need to order in a teahouse - just say "bring me some dishes," management know what you want.

362. If you stumble across and try to help a strange dying man alone by a river, hut or in the forest he will pass you on a skill/object that will blight you for the rest of your days regardless of how much you refuse it. Best just leave 'em to die, hey?

363. It is quite easy to snap a sword blade with a two-fingered scissor grip.

364. If gambling, cheating is only allowed if you use the same two-fingered scissor grip to snap tiles or dice into two pieces and create a new, winning combination.

365. You will only see an egg if it's for comedic breaking purposes.

366. There are only 3 main group attacks. 1 - the take-it-in-turn. 2 - the altogether-now: with spears. 3 - the 'wuxia favourite,' just run around them in a circle - forever...

367. If you are our hero there are three places you can be stabbed. 1 - the abdomen (this is the death blow). 2 - the top-of-the chest, just near the shoulder (survived, but usually where you escape the fight). 3 - the side (the sneak attack by someone you thought an ally).

368. All dodgy bad guy gang members (usually bandits) like to stand slightly hunched with one foot on a raised platform when relaxin' and plotting.

369. Smoking is only cool if you smoke through a cigarette holder, or opium-pipe looking thing that doubles as a weapon.

370. If you are the emperor, disguised, out among the common folk, you will mostly only chance upon people whose main topic of conversation is dissing the emperor.

371. If you happen upon a restaurant full of dead people - chances are they ain't dead.

372. It's written into Ti Lung's contract that he, and only he, will have the most prominent 'plastic skin to hair join.'

373. So far as acting goes - the venoms, etc. are hideous drunks.

374. If you are sent by your master to visit another 'unseen to you' master - you will invariably fight him or his student on the way to meet him - without trading names.

375. All outdoor pavillions have 'slide-down' walls or bars.

376. Chan Shen has a 'i'll play a rapist' clause written into his contract.

377. If you need a strange character for a fantasy piece, call-up Fung Fung - that guy's face is a special effect in itself.

378. All musicians are kind righteous people, unless their instruments can double as weapons - in which case they're the evilest of the evil.

379. True heroes have no problem swearing life-long brotherhood within minutes of first meeting.

380. Seems you actually lose more blood through the mouth from a punch to the abdomen, than you do if your arm is cut off.

381. If you are introduced to a righteous hero's family through the course of a movie - they will die.

382. Training is solitary, hardcore and will usually involve an old man/rocks/a wooden spinny-thing or pillars/some sort of meal reward.

383. No one has ever sucessfully, fully learnt hard Qi-Gong - there is always a vulnerable spot 4-inches square in the abdomen.

384. Really old masters are: if good, unable to use their full abilities due to a training injury (usually due to an interupted 10 year meditation); or if bad - at the point where they've mastered 10th level evil killing fatal skill.

385. If student is injured by bad guy's 10th level evil killing fatal skill - all he needs is for someone to push on his back for a day or two and he'll be fine, however that someone WILL die.

386. If you lose your weapon in battle - imitating the weapon with your fingers and making a point of it will guarantee victory.

387. Fallen bodies, no matter how many, will never get in the way of the fighting.

388. You can learn the most complex physical acrobatic skills simply by wearing weights on your feet for a while.

389. All blood is really bright red.

390. All exteriorly-shot outdoor night scenes will be filmed on location during the DAY through filter covered lenses.

391. Never open a messenger-delivered envelope - chances are a poisoned dust cloud will pop out.

392. That young scholar who claims he doesn't know kung fu? Oh - he does.

393. Shaolin monks are actually quite violent. Except for the really old monks who'll happily sit and burn the moment someone invades their temple - can't you fight a bitter harder than that, you crazy old monks?

394. Shaolin ain't Shaolin without a few bad eggs.

395. You can flip someone about like a lunatic if they're in any way attached to length of rope or chain.

396. Did anyone mention the 'backwards wall jumping escape technique?'

397. Young beggars are usually rich girls in disguise. Old beggars are masters!

398. The Japanese are usually pretty ruthless.

399. EVERYONE gets double-crossed.

400. True heroes die standing.

401. You can never, ever, retire the martial world - there's always someone out there to hunt you down.

[peringaten]

This thread's too good; wants itself a bumping - see if anyone else wants to give it some new life with any Shaw lessons learnt of late...

[Trixie]

Hair rule: if you are winning the fight, hair is to be wrapped tightly around your neck almost to the point of hanging.

If you are loosing the fight, hair must be shoved in your mouth and bitten down on tightly to show the fight ain't over.

[peringaten]

While I'm at it - feels like this thread shouldn't fall from the board - got to be one of this forum's longest at least; I always liked it... saved.

[Ninja Sinai]

This has to be one of my alltime FAV threads and really deserves to be made a sticky.

Some of the rules really cracked me up!!

:lol :lol

[Markgway]

Great stuff Peringaten.

[Tosh]

:lol I was going to start a thread like this, I don't have time right now to read back through this at the moment, so my apologies if these have been said already -

A sword sheath must double as a sheild, and is also as strong as the sword itself.

Steel hitting wood still makes a clang sound.

The second in command of the clan is always the doublecrosser.

I'll think of some more here.

[Steve Barr]

- Women could easily pass as men, because almost all women had moustaches. ;)

[stormybman]

The main villian will at times have another who has aligned himself with the chief, get his a@#! whipped, then go back to the hero and pretend he wants to now be friends so he can double cross the hero...

In Chang Cheh's films, after each character dies, there's a close up of the dead one's face, eyes fixed open...

ALL characters fight harder after a death blow has been issued: i.e. a fatal stabbing, guts being torn out, etc. the fighter then fights better than prior to the fatal injury...

at some point the dub " right..!" will be used at least 10 or more times, instead of embellished dialog...

Dispite his strength, and fighting prowess, it's in Lo Mang's contract to be killed early on to show how far the other's skills have to get to beat the baddies...

If there's a Tea House, a fight will ensue...

After a tea house fight involving the hero, he always surveys the damage and offers to pay...

Rapes, robberies, and killings, take place as if there's no law except the righteous swordsman/martial artist...

The baddies always jump around yelling, laughing, and whooping, and hollering, when they are about to rape/overtake a woman...

Nobody ever goes back to the battlefield of dead bodies to bury all the dead men, the film usually ends with the survivors walking away to a freeze frame...

The head villian will watch his lackeys get their a@#$*!!! whipped, before saying wait... instead of slipping away, when he can tell how good the hero/heroes are...

Whenever a body is left for dead, in a forest, near a river or in a desolate place, some nosybody comes along to help nurse the person back to health, whereas, a lot of times in the real world people will sometimes mind their business...

We never see the Master/student/relative/best friend, FAIL to avenge someone... i.e. Yoda in Episode III, Revenge of The Sith: " ...into exhile, i must go, failed i have!!!
:rollin :rollin

[Lei Kung]

612) A wandering swordsman's clothes never soil. No amount of wind, leaping or acrobatics will ever remove ones hat.

613) Being an ordinary wandering swordsman doesn't require much skill, just a really badass getup, a matching sword, and a face of steel.

614) Virtuous swordmen need not rob anyone or work, they always have money, whereas evil swordsmen need to steal and kill to live extravagently.

615) Drinking never leaves a hangover.

617) If you're a homeless drunkard, drinking actually increases reaction time. This can mean the difference of life and death in a fight.

618) Rice cakes always steam and look tasty.

619) Combing your sideburns into your ponytail is a sign of seniority and superior kung fu.

620) No 2nd Ammendment rights have been violated.

[VenomsFan]

621) When dying, you must do one last situp before checking out

622) Character roles are limited to the following:
- martial arts master
- martial arts student
- government official
- ruffian
- drunk
- prostitute
- cripple

[THE BASTARD]

Every movie has Ti Lung in it but if it didn’t have Ti Lung in it people still wish that Ti Lung was in it.

Every movie that has David Chiang in it Has Ti Lung in it and if it didn’t have Ti Lung in it Then
David Chiang and Ti Lung both wish they were in it together but only as long as one of them dies.

Every movie has Johnny Wang Lung Wei in it as the villain. No punch line, that is the punch line...

Shaw Brothers movies help people be more accepting. For example every movie has Ku Feng in it.
When it happened the first 38 times we were like ''OK!'' or ''Again?!!?" or maybe even ''Damn!!!?''
but then... we come to accept it and become more understanding individuals. For me ive learned a lot
from Shaw brothers movies.

For example i helped an old lady cross the street. On the other hand i laughed very sinisterly after
Watching ''Web of Death'' and pushed a lady into oncoming traffic another time so watch out for
that one. It's a bit tricky... UNLESS you’re in a good mood.

Every movie that did not have Lo Lieh in it was supposed to have Lo Lieh in it... Again...

When you loose your legs, it's not necessarily a bad thing it's good! Your heard me right folks
''Fortune'' is smiling upon you. Same rule applies with eyes, the ability to talk. And don’t be
discouraged if you loose your arms or hands, it could be a blessing. Especially if the titles of
the movie has a number in it.

If you’re in a Shaw Brothers brothers movie you will die but dont worry maybe you get a chance
to have some good lines like... ''You...''
…Just before pointing your finger to the person who killed you just before you die… again.

Every one in the Shaw Brothers universe had training as a Voice tossing ventriloquist - all their lips
Move 10 seconds before we hear the lines. This is of course the good old English dub days. Before
Celestial.

When you die generally your supposed to keep your eyes open so people can see your dead but really
everyone except for like 3 people can do it right so everyone that's actually dead appears to be alive,
but really it's because everyone was sleeping during the Shaw brothers training course. Ive seen people
blink when they are dead or inhale deeply, sniff or even ask for a cup of tea. Im serious.

If you Die in a Shaw Brothers movie standing up you wont fall down for some very odd and strange
reason this does not happen in American films unless you press pause.

Fu Sheng always gets the chick, because he was the coolest.

Ti Lung always gets the babe David Chiang wanted but David Chiang always gets the chick Ti Lung
KIND OF wanted. Ah…

In a Shaw brothers movies even if you’ve been stabbed 20 times and you somehow miraculously
fended off 45 thugs and 50-60 more come in dont worry you still stand a chance. Not a good one
if you’re in a Chang Cheh flick but at least you die laughing.

Whenever you see 'Hsiao Hsiao'' You look at his face then look at his nose and think ''BOOGERS''

Back in the day if Kara Hui was in movie you wish she would stop practising kung fu or whatever it
Was she was doing (holding a glass of water or whatever) and just take of her clothes and walk closer
to the camera and start posing and pushing copious amounts of flesh into every frame. And if not
that then you wish at least she would have had a clause to bend over more so we could get a
tight and perfectly aligned ass shot.

Whenever Kara Hui was in a movie she was dealing with such difficulty she always looked constipated…

In the Shaw Brothers movies everyone besides the Same 10 stars using the same 10 lines, defeating
everyone with the same 10 weapons that make the same 10 sounds are all disposable like huggies
diapers. This rule does not apply to little kids and dogs.

No matter where you are the guy you just left 3 days ago knows your exact location somehow
perhaps by telepathy. He will usually appear from behind a tree and attack you unless of course
it's a girl which rarely happens unless she is lost which really rarely happens.

Fu sheng plays the same character in every single movie, a mildly amusing weasel who happens to be
on the way to learning the spirit of true kung fu... even if it means getting stabbed up the ass with a
lance.

In a Shaw Brothers movie if you’re poisoned by an inescapable sure death lethal dose type thing don’t
Worry because you’ll find the antidote from that weird guy who asks you for nothing in return AGAIN.

If your in a Shaw Brothers movie and you see a character die AND you liked him dont worry hell be back
to die in the next one.

Whenever you see Jason Paio Paio you think ''man this guy is ass'' and THEN you think of Hsiao
Hsiao and how much you hate him too and then you remember his face and think ''BOOGERS''
again.

Ever body the same Laugh ''heh-heh''
Every body right before they say something revealing must always say ''Ohhhhh''
The Person who is the first to say ''Sha'' or ''Kill'' is the second person to get killed in the third act.
Just before every one dies and there is a cause for a dramatic death, the person will stand up and
in what seems to be a great amount of pain, Then he falls down in what seems to be a lot of pain
and then he Dies and then he wakes back up in pain but only for a second and then he dies again.


In the end my last comment is that there are only 6 Degrees of separation in the Shaw Brother
Universe. You’ve heard that in America every film is only six facts away from reaching Kevin
Bacon? It’s called 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon… Yes well this is the same EXCEPT WITHOUT
THE BACON


The End

[Steve Barr]

In the end my last comment is that there are only 6 Degrees of separation in the Shaw Brother Universe.Isn't it more like Actor 1 -> Ku Feng -> Actor 2 ? Surely there's only 2-3 degrees of separation for most SB stars in any given decade.

-----------------------

The cooler the special effect concept, the worse the actual special effect, for ex. frozen solid == covered in saran wrap.

[THE BASTARD]

When you break somebodys neck it sounds like you stepped on a pepsi can.

[stormybman]

Sometimes when you die, the screen turns red... Other times, there's blood everywhere!!! What's the difference?! :lol

Then there's the look at the person who killed you, you point at him and mouth these exact words...

" You..... aarghhh!!!" then lay down eyes open... :)

I have come for the revenge of my master, this doesn't concern you, so I'll allow you to leave...