REVIEW: Expendables, The (2010)

When I first heard about THE EXPENDABLES, I almost fainted.  Since then, I’ve been thinking about little else in my life, mostly occupying my days and nights with dreams of the best cinematic hard men (minus a few notable exceptions) all teaming up in the action film to end all action films.  Finally the day came when I was able to see the film, so I packed my extra tight briefs and entered into the cinema, almost unable to handle my excitement.

Now, THE EXPENDABLES was great.  In some cases really great.  Yet I was still disappointed.  In some cases very disappointed.  To be honest I should have expected it, and in a way I sort of did – there was no way the film could have lived up to my expectations.  What a jip.

To best relay my thoughts, I’ve decided to focus on each of the main ‘Expendables’ and explain why I think they worked/didn’t work/were a waste of space.

Firstly:

Sly Stallone: Big man on campus was truly giving it the big’un in this one.  He hogged most of the best one-liners, had a great deal of the best fight sequences and was pretty much the lynch-pin upon which the film hung – fair enough, this was his baby.  Stallone is also in excellent shape for a 64 year old and he certainly gives it his all during all of his action scenes.  The only gripe with his character is with his forced ‘banter’ with the other cast mates – in particular Jason Statham.  The quips and asides are so contrived and obvious that they become the opposite of funny, case in point – the oft-seen sequence in the trailer where Statham receives a text during a stand-off.  Really?  Big mis-fire, that one (and all the others).

Fight-wise, Stallone mostly plays with guns and grenades – including an entirely stupid (but really cool, man) lightning fast reloading technique.  However, he does have a chance to go mano-a-mano with Steve Austin during one of the most lengthy physical fights – the behind the scenes reports of his injuries during the tussle also lending an authenticity to it that makes it all the more realistic.  During this fight sequence, aside from a lot of heavy punching and headbutting, Stallone incorporates a few really nifty (yet ludicrous) grappling techniques and throw-downs, which certainly evoked a few yelps from me and the audience.  But mainly me.

Actually, maybe only me.

Jason Statham: Again, like Sly, Statham gets the majority of screen-time and even (gasp!) a backstory (something concerning Charisma Carpenter’s ‘character’).  Action-wise though, Statham’s on form and the sheer power displayed in all of his bouts is punch-in-the-face impressive.  He gets a few hand-to-hand combat scenes (including a hilarious one in a basketball court) but as with Stallone, he’s mostly tied down with his guns and more prominently, his throwing knives – an endless arsenal of which he seems to possess.

His is one of the only characters with any substance, but such is the nature of this ‘substance’, that it becomes almost entirely redundant and completely pointless.  I doubt anybody in the audience cared a jot about his relationship with Charisma Carpenter (who it seems exists solely to get punched in the face by another man), as it was treated so flippantly that it came across completely forced and really didn’t inform Statham’s character at all.

Mickey Rourke: Rourke doesn’t do any fighting and is basically an extended cameo whose function is to provide Stallone with a bit of a backstory and to lament on life and existence through a monologue that provides the film’s only hint of intelligence.

Jet Li: This was where the film came unstuck for me.  Jet Li was the actor that I was most excited about seeing in this movie – BUT HE’S HARDLY BLOODY WELL IN IT.  He’s sidelined for most of the first half and only brought in when it’s time to fight Dolph Lundgren.  Now, you’d think a fight between Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren would be a highlight – no dice.  It was a truly terrible example of ADD editing and shaky-cam disorientation that allowed neither actor to showcase any semblance of physical skill – it really could have been anyone in this fight scene such was the lack of any coherent martial arts.  They even got Corey Yuen to choreograph it – that’s like hiring Hans Zimmer to provide a fantastic score for your movie, then sneaking into the studio and recording yourself screaming over the whole thing. Why use Jet Li if you’re going to edit all his fight scenes to death?

Still, there’s a funny sequence where he goes on about being short.

Dolph Lundgren: Easily my favourite character.  He plays a completely whacked-out, drug-addled nutcase that’s obsessed with guns and hurting people.  He provides the film’s best kill (within the first 10 minutes) and also the film’s funniest moment – after crushing a man’s head under his foot (whilst driving a truck) he growls “INSECT!” – could not stop laughing at that bit.  Alas, as I have already mentioned, his major fight scene with Li is destroyed by the speed-addicted editor.  Oh well.  INSECT!

Randy Couture: Luckily, not completely wasted.  We understand that he’s hard, we understand that he’s no actor (he’s definitely no actor) – so what we’re left with is his fighting skill.  Luckily, most of Couture’s fight scenes aren’t too marred by the over-zealous editing and we are treated to a great deal of spectacular grappling moves – particularly during his fight with Steve Austin.

Steve Austin: Austin probably hogs all of the best fight scenes in the movie as well as possessing one of the best characters.  He’s got no background and is no more than a hulking, insane henchman, but he’s so good at it that it doesn’t matter.  His fight scenes are adrenaline pumping smack-downs that draw on his massive wrestling experience and result as some of the most brutal and powerful duff-ups that I’ve ever seen.

Gary Daniels: Another Expendable that I was looking forward to seeing.  No need to throw that one in my face Stallone!  Shall we give him some good fight scenes?  Naa,  let’s strap the camera to a pneumatic drill and smudge to hell and back most of the fighting – even when he’s against Jet Li!  Such a waste of good performers who clearly know their stuff.

However, I must make it clear that it would be wrong to say that these fights weren’t good, because they were certainly entertaining, but anyone wanting any hint of actual, visible martial arts will be sorely disappointed.  They could have been so much better.

Eric Roberts: Also, those looking for any fighting on behalf of Eric Roberts will be shafted – he doesn’t lift a foot.  However, he does play a suitably slimy villain and as the main antagonist, actually does quite well – but then again, I like Eric Roberts in anything, so maybe it’s not the best judge of performance coming from me.

Terry Crews: I thought Crews would be the comic relief in this one.  Unfortunately, it’s pretty hard to be funny when you’re only on screen for about ten minutes.  Still, he just about manages it – well, his gun does at least – in what must be one of the most ludicrous -and therefore, hilarious – scenes in action movie history.  I won’t ruin it, but once Crews talks about how the enemy are ‘always scared of noise’, you’ll see it coming.

Yet apart from this one moment of genius, Crews is again another casualty of trying to cram too many stars in one movie without properly developing their characters first.

Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger: This scene is INTENSELY PLEASING.

***

So there we have it.  A really good film that blasted its way through my expectations barrier THE WRONG WAY and therefore did itself an unfortunate disservice.  Had I not been expecting some real martial arts courtesy of Li, Daniels, Lundgren et al, I would have enjoyed it a great deal more – I’ll just have to make do I suppose.

Aside from the ruined martial arts, the rest of the action is handled effectively by Stallone and the numerous car chases, aeroplane attacks/getaways and gunplay sequences are suitably pulse-pounding affairs.  As a brainless action film, it’s certainly up there with the greats, there’s just the odd niggle that’ll annoy some people – although clearly not enough people to stop them making the already-greenlit sequel.  Hopefully they can iron out the creases for that one.  Get The Rock and Mark Dacascos on board and I’ll be happy.

Although it may seem like I’m slating the film in some areas, I still really enjoyed it and found it a great deal more entertaining than many recent action movies.  It was far more violent, gritty, manly and exciting than a vast amount of Hollywood ‘action-lite’ movies of late and I’d still highly recommend it – it’s just a good idea to lower your expectations just that little bit.

You INSECT.

REVIEW: Expendables, The (2010), 7.1 out of 10 based on 18 ratings

by Gazz Ogden

Related Topics:
Arnold Schwarzenegger  •  Bruce Willis  •  Dolph Lundgren  •  Eric Roberts  •  Gary Daniels  •  Jason Statham  •  Jet Li  •  Mickey Rourke  •  Randy Couture  •  Steve Austin  •  Sylvester Stallone  •  Terry Crews  •  The Expendables (2010)