How do you take some of the genre’s top talent including director and action choreographer Corey Yuen Kwai, Donnie Yen, Jackie Chan, and rising action starlet Gillian Chung and turn out a complete waste of a movie? Try making The Twins Effect II (AKA The Huadu Chronicles). Saying this film falls flat on its face is too kind. It’s an embarrassing piece of filmmaking and a perfect example of what’s wrong with the state of Hong Kong cinema in the first decade of the New Millennium.

The Twins Effect II started out as a sequel to Emperor Classic Films’ (formerly EMG) modestly entertaining vampire-slaying adventure Twins Effect (2003) starring the Twins, pop stars Gillian Chung and Charlene Choi. However, as the makers saw Mainland China as their main market they bowed to Communist censors who took a dim view of content that “perpetuates” the occult or folklore, in this case vampires. So with their central theme gone, the makers simply created an unrelated fantasy world for the Twins to continue their tailored brand of teen-friendly humor, romance and wire-assisted action.

Not even five scriptwriters were enough to salvage this project. It’s basically a martial arts and fantasy version of Flash Gordon meets Star Trek: Insurrection. Where Mike Hodges’ serial remake at least had camp value, number nine in the dying Star Trek franchise has no redeeming value. Imagine the worst elements of these two films brought together with a ton of overblown CGI nonsense and you have The Twins Effect II.

The premise is B-movie material all the way. A fictional kingdom ruled by women subjects men to slavery. The man-hating Queen (Qu Ying) and her former lover (Daniel Wu), who made a Eunuch out of himself after being caught getting cozy with the Queen’s sister, are desperately searching to destroy a man prophesized to be the next Emperor. That man turns out to be a simple, peace-loving street performer named Charcoal Head, played like a block of wood in his first film role by Jackie Chan’s son Jaycee. But for the time being, it’s uncertain whether he or his friend Blockhead (Wlison Chen) is the true Emperor and with a “dumbbell” slave trader (Charlene Choi) and the queen’s enforcer (Gillian Chung) who unconvincingly falls in love with Charcoal Head, they go on a quest to see who may claim Excalibur… yes, the sword from the Arthur legend. Along the way they encounter Morlock-like creatures who tunnel underground, devour aggressive people and party with fun-loving people. Bear with me here. Guarding the sword is Jackie Chan as a Terracotta-like warrior who comes alive to challenge Donnie Yen who plays a general with the idiotic name Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. He’s in charge of an underground resistance group intent on overthrowing the Queen’s tyrannical rule and making the sexes equal. The two battle until they realize they’re both on the same side and Charcoal Head steps up to reluctantly claim the sword. Donnie leads an army against the Queen’s forces, but they all decide to team up and the audience gets shorted a battle sequence. In response, the Queen unleashes her magic to turn all men into men with breasts… okay, enough of this.

The Twins Effect II is crap. As a full-time reviewer I usually try to come up with some witty description, but none suffice in this case. The film is laughable and/or dull from start to finish. The sets, especially in the town are horrendous and make Shaw Brothers’ ’70s-era sets look like the Taj Mahal in comparison. The costumes are worthy of a Dr. Who episode. Overall, the art design is the equivalent of using Pink Flamingos and porcelain gnomes to decorate a weed-infested lawn. Nearly everything is an eyesore that bears no consistency from one scene to the next.

The script is a jumbled mess with bad dialogue and bad acting to deliver it. The Twins are as attractive as ever, but that’s all they have going for them. Their romantic hijinks with Wilson and Jaycee that takes up too much of the running time is their usual pop garbage targeted at 10 to 14 year-old girls. Gillian shows some signs of being a competent action star, but it will take a serious action role for her to make all of her physical training worthwhile. Jaycee Chan seriously needs more acting lessons. The rest of the young cast are just poor actors period. Wilson Chen, Edison Chen and Daniel Wu are all overrated and actually deserve to be in this film. Donnie Yen, who is capable of so much more, is reduced to playing a throwaway supporting character. In the most embarrassing scene in his career to date, he takes a whiff of a love potion and gives Tony Leung a look that will make your skin crawl.

Corey Yuen is capable of crafting some of the best action choreography on the planet, but it all goes horribly wrong in this film. Excessive use of slow motion, wires and heavy CGI drown out any life or excitement to the action. The CGI is also sub-par to Hollywood standards and looks more like a direct-to-video effort. One scene rips off what I thought was one of the worst camera usages in Azumi where it spins around two fighters dueling on a platform. It’s not even done as well. The featured battle is between Jackie Chan and Donnie Yen and it’s a big disappointment. It’s only their second face-off after Shanghai Knights and ends up anything but the ultimate battle of screen fighting masters that it should have been. What we get is the two spinning on wires in slow motion while CGI swords fly around in the air. And making matters worse, there is no connect with the characters, story or anything else. We really have no idea who the characters are or why they’re fighting. This fight alone is a perfect example of how not to shoot a screen fighting scene. Considering who all was involved in making it, it’s a shameful disgrace.

The Twins Effect II goes far beyond the mediocre product that Hong Kong has been producing (with few exceptions) to be an exceptionally bad movie. My hat is off to the makers for unapologetically showing just how bad it can get. I just hope it never happens again.

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